The Monsters are on Constitution Ave
[mood: kinda nostalgic, eh?] [listening to: -]
The Monsters are on Constitution Ave
Are your folks turning into ASIANS? Are our humble, white, pure, 100% Americans turning into Asians? Are the Americans we know who call themselves pure Americans but really originated from Italy, France, Germany, Sweden, Greece, or Spain turning into Chinks? Do you notice more and more people attracted to rice? Do you see more and more Americans going to Vietmanese resturants and obtaining Korean habits? Did you notice around your block, whitemen muttering Filipino phrases? If you are like me, you have noticed more and more Americans turning into Asians. After studying more than 2 whities, I have come up with some top 10 reasons to detect these monstars, and some tips to help you cope with these monstars.
10. Enjoying the Presence of Other Asians
In your all-Asian clique, do you notice more and more blonds? Are saying to yourself, "hey, our group looks more peachy, because yellow and white make peach, in Crayola's book." Studying the whities, they feel that when they hang around Asians, they indeed feel more Asian. Its a simple fact that "you hang with them, you are them."
To cope: Say firmly to these white people, "yo, my homie, don't be invading my space, yo." And throw in some random white words like "dawg" or "ya'll." If you aren't firm with white people they'll just laugh in your face and go microwave some Kraft Easy Mac.
9. Enjoying the Presence of Rice
When you are with your all-Asian group, and go to an American place like Outback Steakhouse, do you notice white people trying to order things like rice, even though its not on the menu? Well, this may be because the whitie is used to rice and craves it like blackmen craves FUBU. Or, do you notice more and more white places serving rice, such as Outback Steakhouse or Golden Coral? This may be because the white resturants whose majority of customers is white wants to appeal to white people, but since white people are addicted to rice, they start serving rice to accomidate to the new 21st century whitie needs.
To cope: When you see a whiteman ordering rice, kindly say to him, "ain't no way you be getting that rice, yo. you just trippin'." The previous phrase, spoken in whitiese, can be used to express dissapproval to whites.
8. Wearing Asian Characters
This applies to blacks, because you ain't see no whiteman wearing this crap. When you walk into Wal-Mart, do you notice a black man crossing infront of you with this shirt and when he turns around, you see the chinese words for "faithful men always questions orifice"?. Do you question who is the translator working for FUBU that could possibly put the words "faithful men" and "orifice" in the same phrase? After studying one black, I have noticed they have no gotdaim idea what the words on the back of his shirt means. He was telling his "home-dawg" this, "Hey, G, check the threads, it say, 'Love me with lust'."
To cope: Put on a tan and say to the black man, "Fer shizzle mah nizzle." That was just for attention grabbers. After you say that, dodge the punch that will quickly follow, because black people don't like people other than blacks using their language written by Snoop Dogg, and him only. Say after that in the most lil john tone you can muster, "YEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAH!" Then say in the deepest tone you can aquire, "Please don't be wearing shirts that use the words 'faithful men' and 'orifice' in the same sentense." Then go back to you lil john voice and say, "OK?"
7. Sudden Interest in Sweatshops or Cheap and/or Child Labor
When whities trying to be Asian look into the history of the country they chose (weather it may be China, Mongolia, S. Korea, etc) (yes, they chose a country, they all got some Sam Adams one night, threw a bunch of slips of paper with Asian countries on them into a beer keg, and each drew their own country, i observed this. percurliarly, one man got Panama.) they are shocked to learn their country practicies poor/child labor and has swearshops. Growing up here in America, they know that sweatshops and poor/child labor is bad. So they have rallies making sure the public knows more about this kind of abuse over in Asia. However, what they don't know is that this is the norm in Asia and the kids there actually enjoy being in sweatshops cause its better than being abused by their parents at home.
To cope: If you see a whitie complain about labor policies in China, take them to a local McDonalds and let the seem the faces of the kids who just got a Happy Meal with a Spongebob toy. Let them see the smiles on their faces and say, "yo, see, kids make toys for other kids. no biggie. Now go microwave yourself some Kraft Easy Mac."
6. Interest in Anime or Manga
You just don't see white people walking around hanging out with their friends saying, "Hey, did you see the new episode of Yu-Gi-Oh? Its awesome! Suk-Mi-Wang had this UBER-COOL thing where he just went 'CHING-CHANG-CHOP' and Yu-Da-Ho just went 'ah!' and collapsed." You just don't. See, Asians, weather be 8, 14, or 22 or any age is in love with Anime. Most Asians. The stereotypicals ones. Like Albert. And Jed. And Josh Ever. If you are Asian, and you say you haven't seen a single Anime series in your life, you pants fire right then. Therefore, whities, wanting to be more Asian, watch intensively Animes such as Cardcaptors, Evangelion, or Cowboy Bebop, or any anime. After studying these whities, the ones who can't affored to buy the dubbed DVD and get the bootleg off of kazaa or bearshare with subtitles and Japanese audio, start speaking Japanese. You wouldn't believe this unless I told you but, I heard a whitie go, "Watakushi go for a beer right about now."
To cope: Challenge them to a anime face-off. Be like, "Hey, you turd, I bet you don't know what happens in minute 12 of episode 3 of Ranma 1/2!" The whitie will most likely bow down to you in a fashion he's seen in Tehcni Moyou. Whilst bowing to you, quickly get a friend to slap him in the ass to slapp the white back into him.
5. Enjoying the Presence of a Parent
If the monstar you are inquiring about is under 18, most likely he will want to be with a parent most of the time, for he is afraid that if he goes out alone, he will be beasted on by true Asians, so his parents are there gaurding him. Plus, you don't see many Asians walking in the mall alone. Its always with his friends, or with the parents. Never alone. You seeing an Asian alone in the mall is like seeing Chris Rock in a KKK meeting. Therefore, Asians hang with parents. Therefore, whities hang with parents. Or if the parents are temerarily unavaliable, they'll go with Asian friends. Refer to #10.
To cope: Stalk the whitie til he goes to the bathroom. When he goes, say, "Yo. You're <insert age here>. Don't you think its about time you walk the malls with other WHITE PEOPLE?" Push him into the wall a couple of times. Let the message sink in. Then put his mouth under the hand dryer and push the button. If you're a guy, take a piss. If you're a girl, do your hair, fluff up your skirt, look good for me.
4. Sudden Ownage in DDR
When you go to the arcade at the mall with your parents or "homie g-dwags", do you notice the DDR systems getting filled up with more and more whites? Are more and more Asians losing and have to forfit their arrows to a whiteman? Man, we Asians gonna break off your legs, put you in a sweetcase. When you see two whites on the DDR machine and Asians with glasses and greasy hair with tokens in their hands behind them, something is going down. You ain't never seen a whitie thats good at DDR that doesn't order rice at Outback or isn't against child labor. You just don't.
To cope: You and three other friends walk up to a side of the machine, and commence conversation with one of the whities. Wait until one side says the phrase, "Oh, its on!" The other whitie, a friend of the other whitie, will then step off his/her side and then you and your three friends take it over. Each Asian, obtaining one square each, will press their square then the corresponding arrow appears on the screen. When you win, say to the whitie, "You got served!" Commence immediate evacuation of arcade because you know hes mad now.
3. Sudden Interest in Good Grades
Asians, we are always obsessed with straight A's and cry whenever we don't get them. That was a joke. No offense to anyone that actually DOES cry when they don't get straight A's. (don't kick my ass, please.) Whites, however, could be less concerned about grades. But whities, studying Asians like I've studied whities, learn that to fit in with Asians, you must get good grades and would not settle for a B on a test. They therefore, study, study, study.
To cope: During a test, take one of your scrap pieces of paper, write, "YOU AIN'T NO CHINK" and fold it into a paper airplane (not a traditional one, mind you, cause i know all you geeks and Asian nerds have at least one paper airplane book, use one of those genious designs) and without the teacher seeing, throw it at the whitie. The whitie will be heartbroken by this message and cry and spoil his scantron. Since your teacher is an equivilant to Mrs. Branum and doesn't keep extra scantrons, he will fail that test. He will never try to be Chink again.
2. Ability, Skill, and Agility to Play Piano and Violin
You aren't Asian if you don't play the Piano or the Violin, and you are double Asian if you play both. Enough said. Whities who want to be Asian, you can figure it out, you geniouses.
To cope: Outwit him in piano or violin. Show him a 5 octave C-sharp major scale on the violin or glissando the whole keyboard including the black keys. He'll die somewhere around the 3rd B-sharp in the C-sharp major scale. Trust me, I've seen whities crumble at this, and I tell you, its not the greatest sight in the world.
1. Sudden or Increased Interest in Asian Girls
Don't even get me started. Whities, you got your blonds, brunettes, whatever. Don't be invading on our girls. The one thing I hate worst in this world is interracial relationships. They gross me out. Thats how Hawaiians got started, and I'm telling you, those grass skirts are just naaaasty and so are those dancers in them. Who in their right mind would play a ukelele instead of a guitar? I tell you who. HAWAIIANS. A perfect mix of whities and Asians. It combines the Asian shy-ness, so they're afraid to be "too cool" and play guitar, but the whitie coolness, so they play the guitar, but they're too shy, so they play the gotdaim mini-guitar, or ukelele, which in my opinion makes you look fat, even if you are the skinniest bastard in the world, you still look fat. Have you seen one ukelelian thats not fat? Exactly.
To cope: Get your sibling to drive the bullet proof Benz SUV that you have and take out your dad's AK from the closet. Do a drive-by at his house. Problem solved. Next day, when the Asian girl is crying at the lawn of his shot-up house, go over to her and put your arm around her and say something along the lines of "it'll be fine, I'll get whoever did this." And voila. You have the Asian girl of your dreams and a whitie that was never ment to be Asian.
Sources: Andrew Henchen, the rest of the school KKK, the rest of the actual KKK
