Hublog

Sunday, February 28, 2010

Show-er Sex.

[mood: meh.] [listening to: Dashboard]

This is the one week I don't have a mass ive exams or papers due, so I can settle down and do some hubloggin' I've been so caught up in schoolwork, I actually used my VCU id to try and log in to hublog. Ridiculous. Btw. David, this new rich text editor kicks ass. I can also add pictures whenever I want now!? Tables too!?

Anyways. Time for some content. I would like to dedicate this to my good friend Matthew Veland, the man who has always kept me wondering what it would be like to be pregnant and a woman.

Sometime before our winter break, there was an incident on our floor involving three men, a shower stall, a group of people with cameras, and sexual relations. [I assume that it was anal.] Of course, this does not mean what you think it means. Unless you think that three guys had shower sex on our floor, because that is completely accurate. The people with cameras were really just waiting outside and pretended that they had taken photographs and video of the hot, soapy party that happened. This lead to a very angry homosexual to storm our halls in a fit of rage vowing vengeance against all who had wronged him. It got pretty crazy. There was a huge fight and someone's skull got cracked open and there were police or something*, but that's not the point here. The story really is not too important. What is important is that I learned an important lesson from this shower sex fiasco. What was that you learned, Eric? Never to joke around about serious issues like blackmail? No. I still can't grasp the concept of "limits." The important lesson I learned was that being gay is extremely awesome.

I want to clarify now that I am not in any way a homosexual. [I learned this very early on in my teenage years in a curious event involving the beach, sushi, an aardvark, and someone named Jose Cuervo or something. I forget.] So I'm not gay, which makes me extremely jealous. Honestly, I believe that all the hate against the LGBT community is just the result of jealousy from those who realized all the awesome perks of being gay that they will never have. [I believe racism is a similair case]. This is why there are so many advocates against same sex marriage. Heterosexuals just want something that homosexuals can't have. How chilidish.

I'm sure you are wondering "So what's so great about being gay?" First you should ask yourself "What isn't awesome about being gay?" If you figure it out from that, then you should probably just stop reading since the rest of this post will be a waste of your time. For those of you who still don't know, I shall break it down for you. Yo.

I'm going to start off with every person's sexual fantasy. Every person's ultimate sexual fantasy is to have multiple sexual partners. At the same time. It's a display of our capacity for lust and gluttony. Some may call it decadent, I call it glorious. So what does this have to do with being gay? Anyone can have a massive orgy right? Well let me just ask you this: Which is it easier to ask a favor of? A friend or a complete stranger? I think you smart kids know what I'm getting at here. I'm not saying the opposite gender is a complete enigma, but usually they don't care much about you beyond the surface at first and are indifferent towards you. Just like how a stranger does not know anything about you at all when he first meets you; on the other hand, a good friend knows you very well, and just by spending a moment of time with you can figure out what's on your mind. This explains why we don't go around asking random strangers for help with that weird rash on our backs.This also explains why homosexuals have casual sex all the time. It's just too easy. There's no need for any small talk or awkward misunderstandings. Everyone already understands each other!

Is that it? Being gay just makes it easier for lazy people to get laid? No. It goes way beyond that. Beyond that meaning the hooking up part, yo. For the sake of the children, I will use intruiging metaphor for this portion. Do with it what you will. What can you do with a lock and key? Lock away all the fun. What can you with Legos, a bunch of pieces that fit together perfectly, end-to-end? ANYTHING.

Also, public baths and showers. You getting it now?

*Just kidding. Maybe.

Colloquy on Show-er Sex.